A Rant on the Pumpkin Spice Latte

((Warning: a bit of foul language ahead))

Ah... The festive spirit of Autumn is here. If you're one of the many stars among the Twitterverse, or a follower of multiple Instagram accounts frequently using the hashtag #fitfam, you may have noticed all of the recent posts about a certain beverage containing a certain squash that, in some cases, literally rolls in this time of year, and the "basic white girls" who drink it. Maybe you know of it. It is the créme de la whipped créme. The mother-of-all-things coffee-ish. More famous than its other seasonal competitors, the Mint Hot Chocolate from Dunkin Donuts or even McDonald's Shamrock Shake. Did you guess it? Fucking right, you did: The one, the only, Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte. And I'm here to clear up a few things about it and explain the reason it is that amazing, even if I have to defend it with every ounce of caffeine and sugar in my little white body. So pay attention.

THE LOOK

We all know why the Starbucks franchise has boomed so much over its 40+ years in the biz of specialty drinks. Because it makes you look fucking awesome. Have you ever held a Starbucks cup? Felt the smooth plastic against your previously unworthy fingertips? Have you walked down the streets of New York City with one in your hand, like a bad-ass? I have. And guess what? Everyone moved aside like I was Moses or something, shielding their eyes to prevent going blind from the glow of the artificial orange coloring. Because you've got the power. They know who you are now. How? If you'll notice, the side of your holy grail has been engraved with your name in permanent marker for everyone to see. That's how important you are. And why else would there be three locations across from each other on every street corner in the city? Because without them we would have nothing. We would BE nothing.

THE ATTENTION

As mentioned before, the social media sites are just sipping this stuff up. An official announcement addressed specifically to white girls has been made via the citizens of Twitter declaring its arrival. As they should. Because as soon as Summer has ended it isn't enough that the temperature has dropped down to the mid-70's to really know that Fall is upon us. That is why, with Ugg Boots in tow, we impatiently await the Falling of the First Leaf and anticipate the coming of The Great and Powerful Latte. Pumpkin, the sacred food of which we worship. You think Trader Joe's Pumpkin Pancakes just grow on trees? Fuck, no! This is a time of celebration! Who cares that your wallet feels lighter each morning? On behalf of all the white girls of the world, I propose a national holiday is in order. You really want to prove you're a feminist to all of your friends in Book Club? Well here's your chance. It's time to take a fucking stand. Pinterest and Tumblr were good platforms for a start, but we need to get this on primetime for everyone above the age of 45 to know. I'm talking CNN and shit. Until then, word on the street is Fox News will be doing an hour-long special about it.

THE RUMORS 

You may have heard by now the infamous "Tale of the Pumpkin Spice Latte". Legend has it that if you say the words "Pumpkin Spice Latte" three times in the mirror, a girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all of the things she loves about the fall. 

ALL TRUE. In fact, I performed the seance in front of my very own bedroom mirror just last night, right after spin class. She came to me, like an earth-toned angel in the wind, smelling of sweet apple cider and freshly bought artisan scarves.

It. was. magical.

And last, but definitely not fucking least…

THE TASTE

If you haven't experienced the extreme pleasures of drinking a Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte, then let me break it down for you. First, there's literally a mountain of whipped cream you must conquer before even getting to the drink itself. Intimidated? Good. I'm not fucking finished. Once your lips graze its fluffy consistency you'll detect a hint of pumpkin spice sprinkled on the top like it's fucking fairy dust or something. Now comes the really good part. Once the whipped cream has disappeared from the top, where it has either melted in the drink or found a home on your upper lip, you'll begin to taste the sweet infusion of coffee, milk, and all that other creamy, godly stuff it's got. Whatever. You're pretty much drinking pumpkin pie. Your whole throat and chest feels like they've just been cuddling with puppies. That is the feeling of your soul being warmed. And that cute guy in the J. Crew sweatshirt sitting across the table who was just outlining a mockup in his Moleskine journal? You think he's looking at the girl with the boring-ass mocha piece-of-crap-pé? NO. You better believe he's watching you, this autumn goddess sitting by the window and cupping her holy cardboard grail, looking all cozy and shit like a fucking model in a fucking L.L. Bean catalogue.

So look, you can say all you want about this 12 oz. gift of liquid sex on a roller-coaster. You can call us basic or whatever, but there is nothing basic about it. There are inumerable amounts of ingredients and phony flavoring I can't even begin to pronunciate. Hell, it doesn't even contain real pumpkin! You think we care? Big fucking deal. It only comes once a year. It's like Santa Claus, but you can't eat Santa Claus because he's not a pumpkin spice mother-fucking latte. So go do yourself a favor, and try one. See if you can handle it. I dare you. 

How Online Articles Are Helping Me (Ruin My Life)

For years the internet has been a place for people to express their opinions, especially now with the copious amount of social media sites springing into popularity. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but the content posted by the 1.19 billion (and counting) users of Facebook alone has transformed over the last decade. Remember the rush of posting a single status? Or how purposeful you felt when everyone would comment on the "Note" you just wrote, even if it was only a survey. 

Surveys, guys. Ah, life was so simple then.

Social media means way more than just another way to keep in touch with your friends across the nation. Through generations of science and Facebook evolution, the ability to share the clutter of the internet and what we see on our News Feeds has certainly grown. 

2008: The year of video uploading and sharing.

2010: All of those memes and tumblr gifs.

2011: That brief moment in time when you could create  your own polls, remember that?

2013: Ecards, Buzzfeed lists, BITSTRIPS...

I don't think I'll ever get tired of all of the Grumpy Cat memes, and I'm pretty sure I click on every Buzzfeed of concept art submitted by talented people portraying Disney Princesses  as goth, hipster, old ladies, whatever the case may be. Bitstrips were cute at first, but the trend appears to  be dying down a bit and, I'll admit, I'm not complaining. Sorry, friends. 

Now it's 2014, and what I AM delighted to see when I'm scrolling down into the infinity that is "load more" are a stream of informative and thought provoking pieces of writing. Instead of reading the Newspaper in the morning I log into Facebook because my News Feed is actually feeding me real news. I see writings from professional columnists at The New York Times to the insightful minds of everyday people at websites like HelloGiggles, and ThoughtCatalog. The days of "at the gym" statuses are behind us and have been replaced by before and after pictures of my friends in their bathing suits followed by #fitspiration or #getswole. 

On a daily basis I usually have three to six windows open on my browser, each with about five to ten tabs across the top supplying an article or video I plan on getting to. What I've really observed that is coming up more and more often on the internet is the discussion of Feminism and Gender Equality; issues I've never really had concerns about or even cared to educate myself on up until now, which means everything that is being spread like wildfire in media regarding Feminism and Gender Equality is working. You've caught my attention, and I'm glad you have!

The reason I mention this is because I'm proud that I, among others, am keeping up to date and informing myself on current events and discussions. I've always been a pretty open person to the interests of others, and try to leave very small room for judgement, so I read as much as I can. 

And eventually, it all starts to feel like information overload.

I read one opinion over here, and another over there about things I could never know about without studying the subject in college. Research articles with headlines like "New Study Shows We're Breathing Too Much Air". What?! **I just want to clarify that I made that up for demonstration, unless anyone proves me wrong with an actual study I don't know about.** Then there are those posts about the most extravagant marriage proposals EVER and success stories that have gone viral, reminding me about the beauty in the gift of life while also making me incredibly depressed that I am not doing something so meaningful.

And as much as I enjoy hearing about equal rights between the two sexes that make me feel empowering as a woman, I see these articles and lists with titles like "8 Reasons He's Not Talking To You", and "17 Ways To Feel Better About Yourself", "Why Jennifer Lawrence Is Actually Ugly". 

I'm 20 years old, and I'm still very self-conscious. I predict that for most of my adult life I will remain self-conscious because hormones like to kick you in the head for no reason. I'm thankful the internet is there to help me get input about a problem, and I'm thankful that there are people out there who have been through the same problem when I thought I was the only one who would Google something like "best way to put on deodorant without getting it on your clothes" and will give feedback about how to solve it.

 We live in an age of immediate answers through 2-Dimensional devices because taking the time to seek answers in ourselves through actual life experience is slow, and often unbearably lonely. Why do that when everything is accessible at the click of a mouse? But these articles are popping up everywhere, and I hate feeling as though I need to be told on a daily basis what is wrong with me and other women and how to fix it, mainly because I still feel the need to find out.

The human species has the ability to form strong opinions and voice them, which separates us from other animals. It's a very special thing, I'm aware of that, and I really do like reading original writings created by people my age. 

But just to get things off my chest, article binging is real, my eyes hurt, and quite frankly I'm not getting anything done. The irony is that in writing this I am contributing yet another article to this cesspool.